Today is a very difficult day for me to wrap my head around…
If I hadn’t have miscarried my second baby, a boy, he would’ve been born today. At least May 28th was his due date. I miscarried him at 11 weeks and the test showed that he had trisomy 15, which means he had an extra copy of chromosome 15. The doctor told me there was no way he would’ve been born alive, as trisomy 15 is incompatible with life.
But still, as I sit here crying, I wonder why did this have to happen?
Why will I never be able to meet, hold, or kiss this child? Why does this have to happen to so many women out there wanting so badly to have children? What is the purpose of the difficult events in our lives? And how can we move on from loss?
After the miscarriage I had to find a reason for it. I told myself, there must be something I was supposed to learn from this tragic loss. All I could think of was that my loss of a child was symbolically a loss of my creativity. Because the most creative act we can do is create new life.
Creativity has been an issue for me for a long time. I’ve been trying to write for 13 years and never seemed to find the focus, the will power, or the guts to stick with it. Because writing is very personal to me, any sort of criticism I received stopped me cold – I would stop writing for months until I became inspired again.
So, after the miscarriage, I told myself that I would write. Even if I ended up being the suckiest, most boring writer out there, I WOULD WRITE, because it is my passion.
Even though I may never know the true purpose behind the miscarriage, I found comfort by finding my own meaning behind it. Tonight I will light a candle to thank the son I will never meet for helping me to find the courage to follow my dreams.
And, if you’re reading this, it is my greatest hope that you’ll find the courage to follow your dreams as well
photo credit: jimb photographs and pastels
Oh Erin you make me cry! I had a miscarriage in between my two daughter (ages 6 and 2 1/2). I can tell you that the due date was really hard for me. Then a week later I found out I was pregnant with Lauren. Even though I had Lauren I still mourn for that baby I lost. I miscarried at 13 weeks. I look at children today that are 3-4 and think that would have been her! Right now in church my husband and I teach 7 little girls (no boys in our class) that are 3 years old turning 4! This is how old she would have been. I can’t tell you it will get easier but it definitely helps me to cherish the four I have now. I completely understand where you are and I think only women who experience this loss do! Just hold your son a little tighter and keep going!
Danielle’s last blog post..Sweepstakes Club Meeting & The Law of Attraction
Hi Danielle…I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through the same experience. It does help that I’m pregnant again, but I still have a tough time with it. I totally understand how when you see other children of the same age that your child would’ve been, it’s hard. My neighbor was due 3 days after me, and she just had her little boy. Every time I see him, I’m reminded, which is hard. But, I sometimes think it’s good that I’ll always be reminded of him.
Erin’s last blog post..A Light in the Dark
Oh Erin – thank you for sharing this with such genuine transparency. I’m so sorry this happened to you. These are the things in life that make us “wonder” what God is thinking – how these things could possibly be His Best for our lives. Our humanity is so limited.
Corrie Ten Boom shared something she learned once: Our lives are like a tapestry and God is the weaver. We can only see the underside – where the threads are left knotted and sometimes tangled. From our view so many things don’t make sense, but from God’s view, the colors and patterns appear perfectly before Him. And that’s because HE sees the whole picture.
When life hurts so much and it doesn’t make sense – I try to remember that.
Debbie’s last blog post..From the Beginning…
hi erin,
it’s easy for me to ask you to let go. baby came into your life but did not make it into the world. allow his consciousness to go where it should go. by still mourning we are creating bonds that will make him ‘earth bound’. i may not have been there but i know how you feel, i really emphatise with you.
smile for yourself, for your loved ones and you will find a total new meaning to life.
hugs
Awww babe. Hug.
Jamie Harrington’s last blog post..Mom, If You Want to Keep Me…
I could only sympathize & empathize with you because like Danielle said ” I think only women who experience this loss do!”,
But I could imagine how I would be if I experienced the same thing…”a huge loss”! This just inspire me to love & do more with who and what I have.
Keep smiling and do what you do because you are awesome!!!
Thinking of you and remembering your baby- I wish I had that answers to why- I also had a miscarriage and wrote about it when it was around the day our baby would be born. Miscarriage was a very different experience than a stillbirth but hard just the same. If you’re interested- the link is: http://momentsofpause.blogspot.com/2009/03/baby-e.html
Hugs-
Laura
Laura’s last blog post..The Phone Stopped Ringing-
What a beautiful, heartfelt post. I’m sorry you had to experience that loss, Erin. I can only imagine the heartbreak you must have had to endure…and that you endure still. Tonight, I wish you comfort and peace.
Stephanie’s last blog post..2 Books on My Nightstand