Here’s my story. It’s really nothing special…
For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mom. I come from a large family and grew up babysitting neighbors and cousins. In college, I worked at a daycare and continued to babysit on the side. I couldn’t wait to have kids of my own. My husband and I have been together since I was 19, so I figured that after I graduated college, we would get married and have kids. That is not exactly the path it took to get here…
Fast forward a few years, I am 25 and my husband (who is a few years older than me), got married in the summer. I started my first teaching job two days after our wedding. Needless to say, our honeymoon was postponed and rescheduled for the first big school break. Around that time, we decided we wanted to try to start having kids. We were ready. But my body had other plans.
I won’t go into a ton of detail, but between a stressful work environment, a diagnosis of PCOS, and general anxiety, the road to motherhood was not easy. We eventually resigned to the fact that we would need help via IVF and decided to look for the following summer (because school…) to begin the process. Well, we were lucky enough that when we stopped trying, it took a factor of stress and anxiety out of the equation and we got pregnant naturally.
At this point, I was in my second year of teaching 2nd grade, I was over the moon ecstatic, but also sick as a dog and overwhelmed. I loved teaching, but was not loving the school that I was at. I graduated with my teaching degree at a time when there was a shortage of teaching jobs (not teachers as we are seeing now). That being said, I took the first full-time job I could get at a charter school and while I learned a lot and grew in my profession, I hated every minute of time.
After talking to my husband, I decided I would resign and teach as a substitute once my son was bored. This was great because I could spend a lot of time with my son, and work when I wanted. However, I was working at a different school, in different grade levels, with different people most days. I was a nobody and while I was a sought-after sub, I didn’t have any sense of community in this position.
A few months later, I was applying for a long-term substitute position to try to get back in a district. I was quickly hired in an inner-city school for the last quarter of the school year, and that position turned into a contract, which turned into experience in different positions and eventually led me to where I am now.
I don’t have a large community of friends, so staying home did not work for me. I needed to get out of the “baby bubble” and socialize with other humans my age. Yes, the job that I hold is stressful, and it has changed so much since I started teaching 10 years ago. But, it is so much more than that.
When I dreamed of becoming a mom all those years ago, I envisioned a perfect world full of happiness-full of laughter and playdates, crafts and park visits. And it is full of those things. However, I did not realize how lonely motherhood would be.
Being a mom is hard. It is the hardest job in the world. Not only are you responsible for keeping another human alive, but you also become a playmate, a maid, a personal chef, and a chauffeur, among other things. The things that used to make you happy are a thing is the past. You lose yourself in trying to make the best life possible for the other person.
Going back to work full-time after my son was born was the best thing for me. I am a better mom because of it. I cherish the time that I do have with my kids, but also get time to socialize with adults and talk about me, rather than the world revolving all around them for a few hours a day.
Now that two of my 3 kids are in school, I am grateful for my job because not only does it provide me with a release, it also brings me closer to them because I can relate so much to what they are doing (I am an elementary school learning support teacher in the same district they attend). It also allows me to be on their schedule; same hours, same school breaks, summers off.
It comes with its challenges- like who is going to stay home when the kids are sick (because writing sub plans at a moment’s notice is not fun!), but it is a rewarding experience that provides me with the best of both worlds.
I don’t have it all figured out. Most days, my kids get screen time when they get home from school and I get home from work because I am exhausted. But I prayed for this for years, and my kids and I are figuring it out together.
I’ve been a mom for over 7 years, and I am still a work in progress. We all are.
XO,
Emily
